her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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