Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
