i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
