Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
