I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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