Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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