Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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