i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
