I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you never un-have a 4some
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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