he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i came on her dog
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
