In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
