I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
