...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
