I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
