I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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