I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
