Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
