So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
