Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
