open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
