Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
