i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
