You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
