I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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