I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
