I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
