You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
