So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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