At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
