he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
