How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
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you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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