..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
