also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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