I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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