she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
