wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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