Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
