I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Randomize
