Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
