I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
