my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
