New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
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Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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