What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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