somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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