I am midnight drunk by noon
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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