if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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