I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
