my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
