Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
