Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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