The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
