We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
