Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
