Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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