Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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