today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
