so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize