I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
high people should be assigned attendants
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
