Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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