I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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